Inconceivable!
by Enerjak
Summary: The Turks go on a journey to find Rufus's missing.... well, you read to find out. Special appearances by Enerjak, Steveman and Felix13.


Fanfiction time!  
  
Mr. Bill: OOOOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!   
Me: How mature.   
Mr. Bill: *get squished by a giant hand* HEEELPPP MEEE!!  
Me: No.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________  
Inconcievable!  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(All the turks have filed into Rufus's office)  
Rufus: You're probably wondering why I have brought you here.  
Rude: To find your lost turtle?  
Reno: To smuggle you some pot?  
Elena: To help you wax your arms?  
Tseng: To go on some strange mission in which we will all end up humiliated, dead, or screwing someone just to accomplish our task which has already been completed in the first place and is a total waste of time?  
Rufus: Bingo, Tseng! I'm sending you all on a mission to find the 3 chosen ones and to destroy the evil one.  
Elena: Chosen ones?  
Rude: What the f**k?  
Rufus: Yes, the chosen ones, and the evil one!  
Reno: What have they been chosen for?  
Rufus: That's none of your concern at the moment. When you bring them here, I will explain it to you.  
Tseng: Umm.. where do we start looking?  
Rufus: BE GONE!  
Reno: But we don't know where to start.  
Rufus: I SAID OFF WITH YOU! DARK NAAAAAAATION!  
*Dark Nation comes in wearing a lobster bib*  
Turks: *bolt out of there fast*  
  
  
Reno: Okay, so where do we look?  
Tseng: *looks in a garbage can* *yells* CHOSEEEN ONEESSS.. WHERE AREE YOUUUUUUUU... HELLOOOO!  
Reno: ................you are such a putz.  
Rude: I wonder if Rufus means to choose em for something like... his sex slaves or something.  
Reno: That's probably it.  
Elena: TOFURKEY!  
Guy Turks: .....!?!?!?  
Elena: LOOK! TOFURKEY! *points at a huge sign in the middle of Wall Street Market that says TOFURKEY in ridiculously large print* TOFURKEY IS GOOD!  
Reno: What the fuck is tofurkey?  
Rude: .....  
Tseng: (shrugs) Maybe Elena's on crack.  
Elena: *runs into the building marked "New Tofurkey House"* *runs out with a block of some weird white substance*  
Reno: *stares* Can you eat it?  
Rude: I think I wanna shoot it.   
Tseng: *pokes at the substance and it 'jiggles'* HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!  
Elena: *grins* TOFURKEY!  
Reno: WHAT THE HELL IS TOFURKEY!?  
Elena: Tofurkey is Tofu and Turkey.  
Rude: Oh.  
Tseng: Doesn't that beat the purpose of tofu as a non-meat protien alternative?  
Reno: Tofu is so gross.  
Elena: NO IT'S NOT! TOFUURRRRRRRRKEY!  
Reno: O_o;;;  
Tseng: *flashes to a dream sequence where a huge rabid tofurkey is eating Midgar city*  
  
*Dream Sequence*  
Rabid Tofurkey: RAHHHHRRRRRR I WILL EAT YOU ALL RAAAHHHRRrrRRRRR!  
Tseng: NO, I'LL eat YOU! *eats rabid tofurkey*  
Elena: Tseng! You ate the Rabid Tofurkey! And you're huge!  
Rude: You must weigh a whopping 7.56 tons now!  
Tseng: *BRRRRRAAP*  
Reno: *chuckles* You're foaming at the mouth, you know.  
Tseng: AHHH! *becomes rabid and explodes*  
  
*Out of Dream Sequence*  
Tseng: (shudders)  
Elena: Want some?  
Tseng: NOOOOOOOOO!! *runs off*  
Reno: Well..... okay then.  
Rude: *points at something* Hey whats that? I've never seen THAT before.  
Reno: Hey.. I've never seen THAT before either!  
Elena: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?  
Reno: Look, Elena! *points*  
Elena: Wow.... it's...  
Rude: A sign.  
Reno: What does it say?  
Rude: It says "Nektulos Forest - 1.3 km west". Maybe the chosen one is there.  
*flash of lightning*  
Reno: Whoa, lightning is scary.  
Elena: Where's Tseng? *runs off to find Tseng*  
Rude: Okay. I guess it's just you and me Reno.  
Reno: Ew... did you mean that in a sick, gay way?  
Rude: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FAGGOT!  
Reno: Sir.  
  
*They enter the forest to see... about 10 dark elves running around... one looks rather silly*  
Reno: What the hell are those?   
Rude: Are you racist or something? They're dark elves.  
Reno: ELVES!? BOO YAH! IF I catch one, they'll grant me a wish and let me have their pot of gold at the end of a rainbow!  
Rude: No, Reno, actually I think that's a Leprachaun.  
Reno: Oh. Well. Let's check it out.  
Rude: *nod*  
Reno and Rude: HEY YOU GUYS!  
*all the elves stop running around and look at them*  
Elf 1: Who the f**k are you?  
Reno: Well, they speak perfect english.  
Rude: We come in peace.  
Elf 2: What the hell? We're not aliens you know!  
Rude: I know that.  
Elf 3: What do you want? We're in the middle of a heated battle here.  
Reno: Oh? *just notices that the elves are carrying various weapons, swords, daggers, staffs ect*  
Oh then we won't bug you then.  
Rude: Shut up Reno! We need to ask you questions.  
Elf 4: Only if you help us kill this stupid imposter.  
*all the elves except one point to the "Except one"*  
Elf 5: Him.  
Elf 6: He's not really a dark elf. He's.... we don't know.  
Elf 7: He doesn't even have the right dark elf accent.  
Except One Elf: Hey, I've been practicing..oops..  
Elf 8: GET HIM!!! *They attack the elf*  
E1E: EEEKKKK!!!! *runs in circles*  
Reno: *looks at Rude with an annoyed look, takes out his gun, and shoots right past the "elf's" head.  
E1E: ..............sheet.  
Reno: Hold it right there Tofurkey.  
Rude: NOW YOU'RE SAYIN' TOFURKEY!  
Reno: Damnit Elena! I'll kill you when I Get the chance.  
Elves: TOFURKEY? WHERE? *they run off*  
E1E: Hey, thanks for saving m-  
Reno: Who the hell are you?  
E1E: Actually, I'm a spy on these dark elves. I was trying to fight and be like them because they are cool, but they immediatley saw that I was not a dark elf, so I was rejected. NOw I feel like I'm back in kindergarten..  
Rude: Is that a mask?  
E1E: Nooo..  
Reno: Take of your friggin' mask.  
Rude: YEah. *pulls off his mask*  
Reno: *gasp*  
Rude: *Gasp*  
Steveman: *gasp* What are we gasping at? *Gasp*  
Reno: *Gasp* This forest air is too healthy. Let's go back to the wall street market.  
Rude: *nod*  
Steveman: *nod*  
  
*In Market*  
Elena: So they said to me, "Elena, wait here or else we'll bust a cap in yo as-"  
Reno: Elena!  
Elena: What? I didn't say anything..  
Reno: You and your darn tofurkey!  
Elena: Tofurkey?  
Tseng: Tofurkey!  
Rude: TOFURKEYYYYYYYY!  
STeveman: What the hell is tofurkey?  
Reno: Goddamn it Steve who are you anyways?  
Steveman: ...........I'm Steve.  
Reno: Thanks for telling me.  
Tseng: *sweatdrop*  
Elena: *sweatdrop*  
Rude: *sweatdrop*  
Steveman: Anyways, I'm one of the chosen ones.  
Rude: You are?  
Reno: You must be one of Rufus's chosen se- (Gets punched in the head)  
Tseng: *rubs his hand* OW. You have a hard head, Reno.  
Steveman: Yes, And I can lead you to the 2 others and the evil one, whom one of the chosen ones are battling as we speak.  
Elena: Well lead on, Steve!  
Steve: Hai!  
Rude: *Coughs*  
  
*In the land of Lederhosen aka Germany*  
Nazi Group: HITLER! HITLER! HITLER!  
Reno: Why are they chanting that they want to hit their ler's?  
Elena: What the f**k is a ler?  
Rude: I don't know... use a dictionary.  
Tseng: *huh huh* You said dic.  
Steveman: Anyways, one other chosen one should be here.  
*all of a sudden a crazy Mexcian guy wearing a barrel runs up to them and starts to scream at them* JESUS IS COming, MAN!!!! JESUS!!! HE'S... HERE.....  
Rude: *Takes out a gun and shoots him*  
????: Thank you so much! Can you do us another favor?  
Reno: What? Who are you?  
????: That doesn't matter now, you must stop that man!  
*points to Hitler*  
Reno: Gotcha. *runs up to the podium where he is giving a huge speech*  
Hitler: ???? Guten Tag Ba Floshefen. Go Burkar de frueicnht.   
Reno: I have a purple monkey in my dresser drawer too!  
Crowd: HAIL!!!! RENO!  
REno: How the hell do they know my name?  
Crowd: HAIL!!! ASLAN!  
Reno: Who the..  
Aslan who was ????: Blitzkrieg no hindritch van bel oro dal efar.  
Crowd: (scatters)  
Reno: What was that all about?  
Hitler: YOU STUPID JEW! I'LL PUT YOU IN A BLOODY CAMP!  
Reno: YoU DO speak english!  
Hitler: And I'm gonna kick your jew butt to Gloshpiel!  
Reno: NEVERRR!!!! *makes Hitler explode on his electric mag rod* haha!  
Hitler: *explodes and a little pile of ashes are left with a little fake mustache on top plus a tupee*  
Rude: Wow, he really DID have a bad combover toupee and a fake moustache.  
Elena: *nodnod*  
Tseng: *nodnod*  
Aslan: I want to thank you for saving my city.   
Reno: What is this city anyways?  
Aslan: ...I don't know... I think it's like... in between Junon and Mideel or something...   
Reno: Oh. That clears it up.  
Aslan: I'm one of the chosen ones!  
Steveman: As I have known!  
Aslan: STEVE!  
STeveman: ASLAN!  
*Steve and Aslan hug*  
Rude: Did I miss something?  
Steve: We chosen ones stick together!  
Aslan: We're bestest buddies. We like to talk about cheese and how Reno is gay.  
Reno: I AM NOT GAY! And how did you know my name?  
Aslan: ..........  
Steveman: ....... ONTO the BATTLE!  
Reno: Okay. *trots like a pig along with them as Elena and Tseng run behind and Rude just stands there looking at Hitler's ashes*  
Rude: ....tsk tsk tsk......tsktsktsk...........tsk-  
Reno: RUDE!!! GET YOUR @$$ OVER HERE!  
Rude: Sir. *follows*  
*  
In the Land of Cheese and Bishounen  
***  
Cute Blue Haired Girl: I'LL GET YOU, YOU STUPID EVIL EVIL FAT MAN!  
Evil Ugly Fat Man: HAW HAW! HOY! HOY! You'll never overtake me! I'm a better drawer than you and I'll make sure that you're known as a crappy artist! HAw haw!  
CBHG: NEVER!! *Takes a pole and jabs it into his fat, but the pole gets sucked in, never to be seen again* Oh CRAP.  
EUFM: HAHAHAHA! Useless! You can't beat me, Enerjak!  
Reno: Who's that hot chick?  
Aslan: That's ENERJAK! Battling the EVIL FAT UGLY MAN RICHARD!!! NOOO!!  
STeveman: We have to save her! Let's help by pulling our super powers together!  
Rude: I'm sorry, but the only super powers I have are the ones that come out of my ass.  
Tseng: Thats so gross.  
Elena: I have confu.. but I Think that will bounce off his INCREDIBLE amount of lard.  
Palmer: LARD!  
All: PALMER!!!!!!  
Palmer: I know the secret to his fatness!  
All: Tell us! Tell us!  
Palmer: Well you see his weak spot is (Gets run over by a truck)  
Rude: ...........f**K.  
Reno: Ditto.  
Aslan: ENERJAK!  
Enerjak: ASLAN!!! STEVE!   
Steveman: We will save you! If we only knew what his weak spot was..  
Stupid Fat Midget Guy From the Princess Bride: INCONCIEVABLE!  
Richard: .....NOOOO!!! NOT YOU!!!!! IT'S.....MY UNCLE! NOOO!   
SFMGFTPB: INCONCIEVABLE RICHARD! PICKING ON THIS POOR LITTLE CUTE BLUE HAIRED GIRL! INCONCIEVABLE! DRINK THIS RIGHT NOW! (hands him a wine glass filled with ..wine?)  
Richard: Yes, sir. *drinks it and....he EXPLODES*  
Enerjak: WHOO!!!!  
Reno: WE HAVE DESTROYED THE EVIL ONE!  
SFMGFTPB: No, I have!   
Reno: No WE HAVE!  
SFMGFTPB: No, I have!   
Reno: No WE HAVE!  
SFMGFTPB: No, I have!   
Reno: No WE HAVE!  
SFMGFTPB: No, I have!   
Reno: No WE HAVE!  
SFMGFTPB: No, I have!   
Reno: No WE HAVE!  
SFMGFTPB: No, I have!   
Reno: No WE HAVE!  
Rude: *takes an assault rifle and blows his head off*  
Enerjak: INCONCIEVABLE!  
Elena: TOFURKEY!  
Reno: Goddammit.  
  
*Back at Rufus's office*  
Rufus: FANTASTIK! You have found the 3 chosen ones and have destroyed the evil one.   
Reno: Yippy Skipp.  
Tseng: So tell us who these people are!  
Rufus: Well actually... why don't you tell them, guys?  
Enerjak: We are Rufus's aerobics trainers!  
Aslan: That's right! We are super flexible!  
Steveman: And super hot to the beat!  
ALl 3: WE CAN'T BE DEFEATED IN AN ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS AEROBICS TOURNAMENT!  
Ranma: Oh YEAH!?!?!?  
All 3: YEAH!!  
Ranma: Oh. Okay. *explodes*  
Reno: Rufus takes AEROBICS LESSONS?  
Rude: .... WTF?  
Elena: TOFURKEY! EAT THIS WHILE TAKING YOUR LESSON!  
Rufus: *Takes some Tofurkey* What the hell is this? *Eats it and explodes into... a JIGGLY PIECE OF CRAP*  
Reno: ...... DUDE! I want some of THAT Sh*T!  
Rude: Me too.  
Elena: Plen-tee for everyone!  
Enerjak: I prefer Tofurkey in batter!  
Aslan: You mean Tempura.  
Tseng: HAW HAW! TEMPURA FUNNY! Get it? U RA FUNNY? Haw.  
Elena: ... Tseng, Shutup.  
Tseng: Yessm'.  
Reno: *eats some tofurkey, and his eyes grow really big until they explode* I CAN'T SEE! @#$*(#@($*@(*#$@(^@$)@$(@)#%^@#(!  
Rude: *rolling on the floor laughing his @$$ off*  
Rufus: *gets in a tutu* ONE AND TWO AND ONE AND TWO-  
Steveman: RUFUS! What have we said about that tutu? BAD MALE POSTURE. Wear this instead. *hands him a speedo*  
Rufus: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH *runs away*  
Enerjak: Drat. *Snaps fingers*  
Aslan: Maybe we'll make Reno try this on, even if he has no eyes.  
Enerjak: Grrreat idea!  
Rude: INCONCIEVABLE!  
****  
  
This fanfic was sponserd by   
Frosted Fakes  
They're GrrrrrrrrrOSS! 


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